Does anyone know what day it is? And other questions...

Even for me, I was cutting my blog deadline a little close to the knuckle this week. All the days are merging into one big fuck off massive day and I have been confused all week.

As I was lying in bed, luxuriating in the knowledge that I didn't have to get up and think about work things, it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't actually written the blog.

I have had several messages and indeed calls from Bec, nagging disguised as gentle reminders, she’s sweet like that, which I have ignored, currently I'm in my dressing gown, slightly panicked, with a cuppa, (tea, English breakfast, very strong, just in case anyone ever pops round to make me a cup...) staring at my screen, hoping for inspiration, which is completely lacking.

So I have procrastinated, and gone out to drench my garden in Jeyes Fluid.

I should explain...

I moved into this house in November of last year, it had been let for about 6 years previously and both the house and the garden were, not to put too fine a point on it, disgusting....cue a gross amount of money spent on skips (not bags of weirdly nasty corn snacks, big things you put rubbish in) and professional cleaners.

The house is looking pretty good, decorating, like painting the Forth Rail Bridge, is ongoing and constant, but that's the norm - I think possibly wallpapering the en-suite was a mistake, but not one I can be arsed to rectify at the moment!

The garden however was a horse of a completely different was horrendous..covered in green absolutely stank of dog and cat piss, clearly there were herds of animals living here all of whom used the garden as a toilet. Short pause whilst I try and work out how many animals you could fit into what is a very small garden. I reckon 1 elephant, although it wouldn't be able to turn around, couple of giraffes as long as they stood still, etc etc, I am the Queen of procrastination!

Anyway, the garden stank.

It has raised beds, which were covered in gravel, and mould, some slabbed areas all green and slimy and fake grass in the middle, which was covered in leaves, old pillows (I don't know why) and shite.

On the subject of fake grass, I have always been a bit of a grass snob - as in fake grass is lazy, real grass is better....bollocks to that. I am loving that the grass is always a great bright green colour, never needs cut or watered or anything, it’s so easy. The only down side is that Dude aka 'get the fuck off that you Nob', likes to pee and shite in the garden - apparently people stare when we are out for a walk and it puts him off his poo-ing....fake grass doesn't take kindly to this activity.

So, every Saturday morning I'm out there chucking Jeyes Fluid on the grass leaving it to soak in, then out comes the jet washer - Karcher thingy, stolen/acquired from Precious Special Boy, who has, by now, given up asking for it back (which is a relief).

There is something very therapeutic about using a jet washer, every week all the bits of the garden look and smell better and better.

I’ve always quite liked gardening, can’t do flowers, they just die or never start to grow at all, but food, I can grow food. So it's all around to mine in the event of a zombie apocalypse, which appears to be imminent if you spend anytime watching or listening to the news.

On the topic of Jeyes Fluid. For those who don't know its like Dettol on acid....and has a very strong evocative smell, reminds me of being a kid and hosing stables down, this wasn't child slavery, I had a couple of horses (think dogs are hard work?).

I was a very horsey child, rode two or three times a day etc etc - I don't think I could get on the back of one these days! My Father hoped that if I smelt of horse shit it would keep the boys away, he was wrong, it was a farming community - everyone smelt of shite of some kind.

I was talking to Beautiful Daughter about jet washing the garden weekly - she thinks I'm mad, no change there; She mentioned that she dunks her working dogs into Jeyes fluid (or sheep dip) as it gets rid of tic's - cue utter horror and a bath in tick removing shampoo for Dude. I didn't have any sheep dip to hand...where on earth does one buy sheep dip? Does one need one of those pits that you throw sheep into? Or can you squirt it onto chosen ticcy animal. I am adding these to my long list of unanswered questions I have about farming that make Giant Husband look at me in a slightly odd way.

Dude looking relaxed having forgotten about his back garden hose down

Back to Dude’s bath...Dude HATES baths with a passion, loves a stinking slimy stagnant pond, but baths with oatmeal shampoo are not his cup of tea at all.

Rather than man (woman) handle him into the walk in shower thing in my bathroom, I decided to hose him down outside. I collect his lead, and Dude goes potty, he thinks he is going for a walk, I do feel a twinge of guilt but I firmly quash that.

Hose on, Dude is appalled when he realises what’s happening, we struggle through his shower, him trying to escape, me shouting and swearing and getting covered in shampoo and water etc. I end up on my arse, dog on top - I can hear next door sniggering....

I eventually get him rinsed off and free him, he does one of those immense shakes where every bit of his body wobbles in a different time and manner, then looks at me with hate in his eyes and resolutely stands next to the door.

Not a chance Sunshine, I say sternly, you just want to go in and shake again.

He assures me this wont happen.

I open the door, it happens, the kitchen is covered in soggy blobs of moulting German Shepherd fluff.

Dude refuses to speak to me for the rest of the day and I have to bribe him with a sheet of ribs on the BBQ.

Strange that the highlight of my week has been falling out with my dog.....

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