So Dear Reader, its been a strange week...
Last weekend was Easter and this is the UK therefore obviously it snowed.
There poor Spring was gamely shouting,
'Never Mind lockdown, stop being depressed, here I am scattering daffodils in my wake being all hopefully cheerful.’
Meanwhile we all shivered in our houses with the heating on full pelt watching the snow cascade from the heavy grey sky, swearing gently under our collective breaths and wishing we hadn't put the beans in so early...
Daffodils and snow a la the Midlands at Easter
Meanwhile, we were enjoying a balmy fourteen degrees Celsius in Edinburgh and had a BBQ with fire pit experience.
In a small window of clear sky on Good Friday my Lovely Friend came around to help me lift heavy things in the garden, after he had gamely carried what probably felt like 300 bags of gravel from Gertie to the back garden, he offered to break up and old rickety garden bench for me. In doing so decided to impale himself on a 4 inch lump of wood.
Appropriate we thought as it was Easter weekend.
After he had gone into shock, I had phoned the ambulance, mentally made like a headless chicken and then calmly put him on the floor in the recovery position the ambulance crew turned up. Lead ambulance guy was just gorgeous....if you need an ambulance guy can I recommend this one? Very handsome, from what I could see around the mask anyway, guns the size of my thighs and tattoos everywhere. I am not ashamed to say I leered somehwat lasciviously.
Lucky you. Perhaps you could feign injury and see if you get him again. Biceps AND caring in one complete package. Let’s hope he can cook and put the toilet seat down.
Gorgeous ambulance guy did all Lovely Friends obs to check he was alive (he was) and sent us off to Leicester Royal in Gertie. I don't think I have ever driven quite so carefully.
Off Lovely Friend toodled into A &E and was thereafter subsumed into some sort of strange hospitalistic dimension. Possibly never to be seen again.
After 4 hours they decided to tell him that he would be in over night and need surgery the following day... I went home... I await the parking fine with anticipation.....
Why do all A&E visits take four hours? From an in
growing toenail to severed leg, four hours seems to be the norm.
(For all those worried about Lovely Friends fate, he has had surgery, dressing the size of Mount Vesuvius is removed and his war wound is now visible - 2 rows of running stitch...neat!)
Phew, I was wondering.
Hand of Lovely Friend in all its glory!
Having handed the baton of his collection from hospital and then the aftercare to his son, I beat a hasty retreat to Mothers’.
Ma, Pops and I have all been vaccinated hence we are invincible (plus I am their support bubble) and as we can now visit with people in their gardens decided to head up to see Beautiful Daughter, Giant Husband and Incredible Grandson for the day, sit in their garden and hope not to get rained upon!
Incredible Grandson was slightly suspicious of Original Grandma and Grandpops at first but quickly came around, stole Original Grandma's drink (water panic not) and chatted with Grandpops..
He is an utter delight, funny little teefs, jabbering away, walking in that staggering drunken dawn of the living dead way that small people have at first.
As he emptied my handbag all over the patio, then sat on my knee and mushed his hands through the remains of my spaghetti bolognese much comment was made of the fact that behaviour like that wouldn't have been tolerated when Beautiful Daughter was a small person.
'Can you imagine what Mam would have said if I had touched her handbag?’
Beautiful Daughter commented slightly sarcastically, as we shivered our bollocks off on the patio, and IG delightedly scattered the contents of my handbag around the garden.
Swiftly followed by,
'Are you actually allowing him to eat spaghetti bolognaise with his hands?'
'For Fuck sake Mam, I will have to jet wash the frigging patio!’
Grandmas’ sole purpose is to spoil their grandchildren and wind up their own children in the process. It’s the law.
All the while Incredible Grandson and I are smiling beatifically at each other and ignoring everyone else....
Note: I did actually clean the floor..
After a wander around the farm during which Giant Husband treated us to a rather impressive demonstration of fork lift truck dancing, IG was in the cab helping, clearly a talented small chap, and Dude met some Cows...neither he nor they were very impressed, we headed back to the car and set off home.
We had a lovely drive back to Mothers - 3.5 hours, no traffic...during which Mother and I endlessly discussed how wonderful Incredible Grandson is, how amazing Beautiful Daughter is at just being her, how happy her and Giant Husband seem and other subjects of this ilk.
Pops fell asleep during this rather lengthy verbal adoration fest, clearly not feeling the same level of overflowing love and happiness.
Although to be fair to him, he does say that he ' loves children as long as they are over 40'
Love is so much more pleasing when its shared isnt it?
Yes. Yes, it is. Sharing love is like sharing your crisps - it brings us closer.
The following day I headed home and decided to pop into B&Q on the way to collect the garden table I had ordered on line the night before.
Now Dude gets quite huffy when left in the car, but in his doggy way is always delighted to see me when I return to said vehicle.
I really don't know what happened to the idiot this time, but when I returned to slot said pre ordered table into Gertie the complete dunce got all of his instructions mixed up and decided that obviously what I meant by 'get in the boot' was that he should exit the car via the back passenger door, run around the car park like a prick causing me, his human, to run after him shouting loving little things like
'Come back here you complete nob!’
'you will get run over you total idiot!’
Cars were screeching to a halt, people shouting helpful things like
'Is that your dog?'
'You should have him on a lead.’
I think that was Captain Obvious himself.
Had I been able to breathe I might have been inclined towards rudeness, luckily I was breathless and unable to respond.
I finally caught the complete wanker at the burger van.
Why is there always a burger van in B&Q's car park - when did that become a societal norm?
When we realised that buying gardening implements and light bulbs was so stressful that we need high fat, low nutrient foods to get over it.
He was sitting like a very 'gud boi' bolt upright in front of the van, doing his 'hopeful' expression at the large round man wedged in behind the cooker.
To explain- Dude's hopeful expression is akin to Paddingtons 'stare' slightly amusing but at the same time quite unsettling.
Dude and his Paddington Stare.
The rotund chap, unable to withstand this look any longer, folded and threw Dude a burger, which Dude caught in mid air
and disposed of seemingly without actually chewing it.
We headed home with Dude firmly back in the boot smiling happily to himself and emitting the slight wiff of onions too frequently for my comfort.
Did you have a good weekend Bec asked when speaking to me on Monday.
'it was a bit Curates Eggish' I muttered, now she knows why!
Eddie, on the other hand had scared his new cousin Leia, the posh German Shepherd to death as they met for the first time. She’s in therapy and he wears a new badge which says ‘professional Alsatian slayer’.