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Surprise Plants, Picnics and The Silver Vixen

As lockdown continues - albeit that we are allowed to meet 6 people in an outside space these days - things are getting stranger and stranger...things that seemed normal a mere 3 months ago are now unusual and surprising.



Take hair for instance.


I have watched with interest my friends and colleagues hair getting longer and longer as the weeks pass, various new styles emerge. Personally I consider myself very fortunate to have been styling lockdown fuzzy hair for years, so onlookers can barely tell the difference!


TBT (new visitors to our blog ought to know that TBT stands for The Boyfriend Thing - it’s complicated) has given up completely and is now sporting a natty Jax Teller Sons of Anarchy sweep

back, complimenting his penchant for leather and all things Harley Davidson. I actually quite like it!


I was discussing hair of various types with Beautiful Daughter (whilst Incredible Grandson was napping) a few days ago.


We were, in a very mum/daughter sort of way, discussing the various topiary effects that one can create on ones pubic hair. Note: obviously Giant Husband was not in the house. I mentioned in passing that at the start of lockdown I gave up, with a certain amount of joy it has to be said, shaving anything except my legs and armpits, and that currently I was rocking a very 70's vibe on my nether regions. I added, rather more as a throw away comment than anything profound that nobody ever tells you that you reach a certain stage in life when grey pubes start to rear their ugly heads. My lady garden has taken on a very au naturale look.


Beautiful Daughter snorted with laughter, repeatedly, for a long time, much to my consternation. I hadn’t realised overgrown lady gardens were so amusing.


When she could finally speak in between strangled gasps of laughter, she spluttered,


”Yer fanny is a Silver Vixen!” Whilst she virtually choked on her witticism, I was left with a single thought:


‘It’s time to introduce the Silver Vixen to a new, shiny razor!’.


Special Precious Boy and Lady Wycombee both took to the clippers this month.

Lady Wycombee is apparently a trained Hairdresser - who knew! As well as an almost qualified primary school teacher.


Special Precious Boy was previously rocking a great beard! Slightly ginger - or as he prefers to refer to it 'Strawberry Blonde actually Mama' cue flouncy toss of the head.

When next Beautiful Daughter and I facetimed him we both nearly fell off our wee legs - how strangely naked his face looked.


Beautiful Daughter mentioned in an especially sisterly and caring way that she hated it and it made his nose look huge...a fight ensued...it never changes.


On SPB and Lady W, last Saturday I had just finished putting up some new shelves in my shed. Indeed, I’m getting quite handy with a drill! When there was a loud knock at the door.


Confused, as the post man had already been and I had the mandatory wine delivery the previous day, I hastened to the door, restraining the Dude, who was borking fit to burst, (it’s a shame, he would run away if it was an actual robber who was threatening in anyway) and opened it. Quite to my delight there was SPB in all his beardless glory.


'Hello Mama!' He said chirpily.


I stood there on the door step like a complete twat unable to speak and then burst into floods of tears as Lady W appeared around the corner, he had been hiding there in case I was cross with them. I wasn't.


I was enveloped in two huge great big Gay Man Hugs and I have never been more pleased to see anyone in my life. I have been lockdown since the middle of March as our office closed just before formal lockdown, and I haven't seen anyone, gone anywhere, done anything for months.


It was beginning to fuck with my head. A lot.


We drank prosecco, talked, played Cards Against Humanity - if you haven't tried it, give it a go, best played when pissed, it’s hilarious, crude and savage, certainly not for small humans or those of a nervous disposition.


The following morning they left - taking with them, a breakfast bar and two stools, an airfryer (Lady W has decided they are going on a health kick and has discarded the chip pan, SPB is disgusted!) an electric frying pan, the sound bar from the telly, 4 balti dishes, a cook book and my new rug. It was like being burgled. Although in truth I was so happy to see them they could have taken the sofa and I would just have smiled ( Reader : Don't tell SPB, he will be straight back down with a frigging transit van!)


After a difficult week at work, everyone feels the same I think, as our focus shrinks, so small things appear larger, which is all well and good but could people please stop fucking me off!


Hence, I was having a very well earned, but quite early, glass of wine whilst talking to Beautiful Daughter on Thursday evening, when to my surprise a huge box of plants for the garden arrived! I had completely forgotten that I had pre ordered some stuff on line.

I am now the proud possessor of 8 Khol Rabi, 8 golden beetroot, 6 Artichokes, 3 Lovage and 3 comfry plants.


The garden is looking great; I have my first small crop of carrots, both wonky and organic,

there are 5 tomatoes on the plant 8 strawberries and the beans and peas are flourishing.

TBT said, somewhat sarcastically I thought, that I will need to get a furloughed person in to help me harvest them. Fucker. Sometimes I dislike him quite intensely.


Realising that he had offended, he quickly won back ground, by suggesting that we meet up.

So we met up half way between our houses - we live 120 miles apart so difficult to just pop around!


We are not the most romantic of individuals, both of us hate Valentine’s Day, and the thought of romantically wandering along a beach at sunset brings us out in hives. TBT has only purchased flowers for me once in 2.5 years, and that's because he was grovelling for some abnormally huge piece of cuntish behaviour.


So the fact that we strolled along the river bank holding hands and chatting whilst Dude trotted along between us, is for anyone who knows either of us, pretty unbelievable.

But that's what happened, we went for a picnic, it was a beautiful day, a wonderful location, and it reminded me that I do love him.


Except when hes being a prick, then I want to hit him in the face with a brick.



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